Dear Xtasia,

I’m the raid leader of a raid group where there are two couples that raid with us. One in particular is a healer and a tank.

Everything has been going great.. until they broke up. Ever since the break up, they have been bickering about EVERYTHING. From strats to personal problems… even in vent. It always starts from something small and it turns into screaming matches, and I have to stop the raid to take 5. 

It makes everyone uncomfortable and it’s getting to the point where nobody wants them to raid with us anymore. They’ve been with us since the beginning and are very valued raiders. How should I approach this situation????  I don’t know what to do…

I would like for them to get along if they want to continue raiding with us. I’m really hard pressed finding replacements for them, especially for two critical roles (tank and heal if they get kicked). I’d rather avoid letting it come down to this!!  Help!

- Heartbroken Raid Lead

Dear Heartbroken,

As a raid leader it’s normal to feel uncertain about how to give your friends support through their separation but it is possible to navigate this situation and still maintain a strong raiding team.

To begin with, I suggest scheduling a meeting to talk with each of them separately as soon as possible – preferably on VOIP so that they can hear your (non-threatening) voice – if you feel you’ll have problems keeping the appropriate tone, bring an officer for moral support. If there are moments where they are behaving a tad irrational, remember they have just been through a traumatizing life crisis and will not be the rational, wonderful person you’ve grown accustomed to working with. They are more sensitive, lonely, and volatile and will behave so regardless of wether or not they show the outward signs of it. While it may be tempting remember it’s not your place as a raid leader to judge, offer advice, or slam them or their ex.

You’ll want to write down the points you want to discuss in advance so that you can stay on track.  Whatever you do, don’t take sides and don’t offer advice. Here are the points I suggest you make…

• As they work through their own feelings, reassure them that the raid is a neutral party in their break up. You were all friends before the break up and intend to remain friends after the break up.

• Explain your objectives as a raid team (progression, an adult environment, recreation for example).

• Let them know that their behaviour over X period has been making everyone uncomfortable and it is no longer acceptable.  If they wish to continue raiding with the team, and you hope they do, they will have to focus on the task at hand and put their differences aside during the raid or different arrangements will need to be made.

• Reiterate that you value them as a member of the team, you are here to support them through their transition.

• You hope they’ll be ok and you are here to listen.

Now one of two things can happen..

SITUATION A: The conversation is a meeting of understanding and both parties behave as mature adults (unlikely). If this happens you’ll need be clear about the chain of command, what sort of behaviour you’ll tolerate (no heckling, no arguing, comments can be sent via whisper to the officers.. etc)  and monitor their behaviour. Be ready to crack the whip if someone steps out of line. You’ll need to be firm and fair. Remember they are your peers so try not to humiliate them in the process.

SITUATION B: One or both of them could go nuclear in which case, I recommend keeping the dialogue going  so it may run it’s course. For some, after having an initial outburst, they’ll realise the implications of their behaviour and come around… You may be able to salvage one of the two. Chances are you’ll have to lose one There’s no easy way around it, you have to play the cards and see where they lay. I’d also recommend putting fingers out to look for a new tank and/or healer early on so that if this goes downhill quick you have a backup plan. It’s not easy but you’d be surprised who’s out there looking for an opportunity.

Ultimately, the job of a raid leader is a challenging one that includes melding support with uncomfortable conversations and confrontations.

Happy Raiding, Xtasia!

Xtasia

Xtasia has been the GM of Eternal Destiny as its two incarnations in DAOC (percival) and World of Warcraft. She has 14 years of guild and raid leadership experience. Xtasia plays on the Alliance side of Lightbringer (US) with her real life fiance, Eikai, whom she introduced to their addiction.